SO MUCH PITY

01032018

maybe i've invested too much in the dogma of choice; maybe i'll put more stock in fate

'you are what you eat' must have a scholastic corollary that i learned somewhere along the line. 'production = product of consumption'. the substance of what i engage with determines the substance of what my mind then produces. there is no unique thought, only reassembly, derivation, regurgitation.

ideally i would be compelled to engage with as much as possible because engagement --> substance --> richness of thought/comprehension. connections build as strands meet one another and a web of understanding forms.

i have yet to understand why my first impression of the thing attracts me to or repels me from it. the sum of me is the sum of what i have engaged with and so i made the tacit decision to consume only that which occasions the most intense feeling viz. dopamine rush. porn, pop music, the artificial and the mindless --> these are what i seek and what continue to be my metric of 'quality'. i can zone out and yet still feel intense pleasure. that which i most engage with is that which asks for the least intellectual engagement from me.

i pigeonholed myself into foreign pop music. i stopped watching narrative media--tv, movies. the surface is the substance, thus the actual substance underneath the surface is irrelevant.

who am i now but a husk?

01022018

trying something new here - i don't carve out many outlets for myself to poke & prod at my thoughts/feelings. been trying to do that lately with a pencil-and-paper notebook; but who says i can't keep two journals at once!
i've been wrestling with a persistent psychosis re: complete estrangement. entirely, but not deliberately, i've divested myself of current events, history, pop/culture, etc. to the extreme that it feels as if i've severed off an essential appendage for relating to others (through shared reference points, maybe?)
the more urgent issue is that i'm frankly unhappy - with the person i am because of this. i am aware of how much there is to learn in order to be conversant, but i'm 20. i should have been working on this since high school. now i'm supposed to be finishing up college, finding a job, making a career, but i'm here learning to read for the first time. where will i find the time, the energy?